her

it's too early for labels.

but i don't think what we have is platonic. the intensity level isn't as fierce as it was last summer, but i can feel the embers. i can't stop it. i really can't. the more i resist, the more it surges.

i read my diary from last summer. anyone who only sees my 'image' would shit their fucking pants. so many feelings and thoughts i felt i couldn't share. and to this day i haven't. who would i turn to? i dropped hints here and there but always, always stopped myself from saying what i really wanted to say. and i don't know why. i'm not one to give a shit anyways. maybe it's because i knew i was leaving. i also knew that what my heart wanted was impossible.

and this summer i'm having fun. i've met great people. but when i'm put to this task, i'm still scared. i remember the first day we met. i remember the sparks and the terrifying electricity. i remember wanting to collapse whenever we got too close. as much as we tried to hide it, the physical pull between us was too intense. and everyone saw it. the "oh how cute"s and the many photographs..it never felt so right.

i know that come september whateverthedayis we will be seperated again. for nine more months. it hurt last year and it will hurt again. i don't know how i managed to do it.

last summer i managed to find something to help save me from the world.
but i also managed to find someone to help save me from myself.
i owe her. she taught me love without limits. and she's still testing me, in more ways than one. no, i'm not gay. i don't consider myself bi either. i love my boys, more even. but fuck labels. they're useless society brandings anyways. but yes, i'll admit it.
last year, i fell in love with a woman.

ugh to the diabolical pangs of attraction.